Posted by voyager on Thu, Jan 14, 2010, at 11:10 PM:
Wiff, I nominate you as Champion of the one liners. Furthermore, I resolve not to read your funnies before bedtime. I need to get some sleep. Best save them for morning to get the day off to a laughing start.
If only Ike could learn from you about developping a sense of humor! Hope springs eternal.
Replies (20)
INTERNET WARNING:
If you get an email titled "Nude photo of Nancy Pelosi," don't open it...
It contains a nude photo of Nancy Pelosi.
-- Posted by Have_Wheels_Will_Travel on Thu, Jan 14, 2010, at 11:37 PM
Wheels, that would do permanent damage to any computer including fry its memory.
-- Posted by voyager on Fri, Jan 15, 2010, at 7:07 AM
The monks had been making hand written copies of the Word for centuries. Each was copied from the previous copy. So the head monk decided to send his sr. brethern to the basement to compare the latest copy to the original checking for mistakes. After a while he heard a terrible cry, "Oh no, the word is CELEBRATE"
-- Posted by Old John on Fri, Jan 15, 2010, at 11:38 AM
The Dinner Roll ...
Once upon a time I was invited to the White House for a private dinner with the President.
I am a respected businessman, with a factory that produces memory chips for computers and portable electronics.
There was some talk that my industry was being scrutinized by the administration, but I paid it no mind. I live in a FREE country.
There's nothing that the government can do to me if I've broken no laws. My wealth was EARNED honestly, and an invitation to dinner with an American President
is an honor.
I checked my coat, was greeted by the Chief of Staff, and joined the President in a yellow dining room. We sat across from each other at a table draped in white linen. The
Great Seal was embossed on the china. Uniformed staff served our dinner.
The meal was served , and I was startled when my waiter suddenly reached out, plucked a dinner roll off my plate and began nibbling it as he walked back
to the kitchen..
"Sorry 'bout that," said the President. "Andrew is very hungry."
"I don't appreciate..." I began, but as I looked into the calm brown eyes across from me, I felt immediately guilty and petty. It was just a dinner roll. "Of course," I concluded, and reached for my glass.
Before I could, however, another waiter reached forward, took the glass away and swallowed the wine in a single gulp. "And his brother, Eric, is very thirsty," said the President.
I didn't say anything. The President is testing my compassion, I thought. I withheld my comments and decided to play along. I don't want to seem unkind..
My plate was whisked away before I had tasted a bite. "Eric's children are also quite hungry."
With a lurch, I crashed to the floor. My chair had been pulled out from under me.
I stood, brushing myself off angrily, and watched as it was carried from the room.
And their grandmother can't stand for long."
I excused myself, smiling outwardly, but inside feeling like a fool. Obviously I had been invited to the White House to be sport for some
game. I reached for my coat, to find that it had been taken. I turned back to the President.
"Their grandfather doesn't like the cold."
I wanted to shout, "that was my coat!" But again, I looked at the placid smiling face of my host and decided I was being a poor sport. I spread
my hands helplessly and chuckled. Then I felt my hip pocket and realized my wallet was gone. I excused myself and walked to a phone on an elegant side table.
I learned shortly that my credit cards had been maxed out, my bank accounts emptied, my retirement and equity portfolios had vanished, and my wife
had been thrown out of our home. Apparently, the waiters and their families were moving in. The President hadn't moved or spoken as I learned all this, but finally I lowered the
phone into its cradle and turned to face him.
"Andrew's whole family has made bad financial decisions. They haven't planned for retirement and they need a house. They recently defaulted
on a subprime mortgage. I told them they could have your home. They need it more than you do."
My hands were shaking. I felt faint. I stumbled back to the table and knelt on the floor.
The President cheerfully cut his meat, ate his steak, and drank his wine. I lowered my eyes and stared at the small grey circles on the
tablecloth that were water drops.
"By the way," he added , "I have just signed an Executive Order nationalizing your factories. I'm firing you as head of your business. I'll be operating the firm now
for the benefit of all mankind. There's a whole bunch of Erics and Andrews out there and they can't come to you for jobs groveling like beggars..we need to spread YOUR wealth
around..."
I looked up. The President dropped his spoon into the empty ramekin which had been his crème Brule. He drained the last drops of his wine. As the table was cleared, he lit
a cigarette and leaned back in his chair. He stared at me. I clung to the edge of the table as if it were a ledge and I were a man hanging over an abyss..
I thought of the years behind me, of the life I had lived. The life I had earned with a lifetime of work, risk and struggle. Why was I punished? How had I allowed it to be taken? What game had I
played and lost? I looked across the table and noticed with some surprise that there was no game board between us. What had I done wrong?
As if answering the unspoken thought, the President suddenly cocked his head, locked his empty eyes to mine, and bared a million teeth, chuckling wryly as he folded his hands.
"You should have stopped me at the dinner roll," he said.
WAKE UP AMERICA !!!
-- Posted by FreedomFadingFast on Fri, Jan 15, 2010, at 2:54 PM
A conversation overheard on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai:
Iranian Air Defense Radar: 'Unknown aircraft you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.'
Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.'
Air Defense Radar: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!'
Aircraft: 'This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 fighter. Send 'em up, I'll wait!'
Air Defense Radar: (no response ..... total silence)
-- Posted by non-biasedphilosopher on Fri, Jan 15, 2010, at 5:31 PM
Non, Maybe they had Kadaffi on the payroll as advisor.
-- Posted by Old John on Fri, Jan 15, 2010, at 5:50 PM
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Stag and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Stag and it's half the price.'
On the PA system: 'Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down.'
-- Posted by fxpwt on Sat, Jan 16, 2010, at 3:17 PM
One more from the Wiffle!
-- Posted by Old John on Fri, Jan 22, 2010, at 7:03 PM
Now, now, Wiff. Don't take off all the hide!
-- Posted by voyager on Fri, Jan 22, 2010, at 9:43 PM
George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for.
The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth. Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he was finished the devil informs
him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.
Next Queen Elizabeth call England and talks for 30 minutes. When she was finished the devil informs her that cost is 6 million dollars, so Queen Elizabeth writes him a check.
Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he was finished the devil informed him that there would be no charge for the call and feel free to call the USA anytime.
When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA free.
The devil replied, ¨Since Obama became president of the USA, the country has gone to hell, so naturally it's a local call.
-- Posted by Have_Wheels_Will_Travel on Sun, Jan 24, 2010, at 10:17 PM
I am wondering why it seems that it is those who might be called Right Wingers have a sense of humor. Its become obvious to me the Left Wingers are so humorless. Why, I wonder?
-- Posted by voyager on Mon, Jan 25, 2010, at 6:58 AM
-- Posted by blogbudsman on Mon, Jan 25, 2010, at 7:13 AM
Do you have the telephone number for that weight-loss program, Wiffle?
-- Posted by gurusmom on Mon, Jan 25, 2010, at 8:18 PM
Good stuff, Mak'i. ☻
-- Posted by Turnip on Mon, Jan 25, 2010, at 8:23 PM
A little boy answered a telemarketer's call a wisper.
May I speak to your father?
He's busy.
Is your mother there?
She's busy, still wispering.
Any other adults there?
The police and firemen, there busy too.
The police and fireman? What are they doing?
Their looking for me.
-- Posted by Old John on Tue, Jan 26, 2010, at 8:31 PM
Rick,
Now that one caused me to laugh out loud.
Old John,
That wasn't balloon boy was it?
-- Posted by Have_Wheels_Will_Travel on Tue, Jan 26, 2010, at 9:01 PM
John, I guess someone didn't like one of your jokes. ☻
-- Posted by Turnip on Tue, Jan 26, 2010, at 9:19 PM
Turnip, So I'll try again.
A fellow called 911 to report he had found a body on Sycamore street. Operater could't understand his accent and asked him to spell the street. After several attempts he said "Never mind, I'll drag him up to Lee street, that's L-E-E street.
-- Posted by Old John on Tue, Jan 26, 2010, at 10:10 PM
Those of your ilk should not irk the elk. They can gore a jerk with a smirk.
-- Posted by voyager on Wed, Jan 27, 2010, at 1:49 PM
A masochist walks up to a sadist and says, "Hurt me, Hurt me."
The sadist smiles and responds, "No."
-- Posted by riregrist on Wed, Jan 27, 2010, at 1:58 PM
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Wiff, I nominate you as Champion of the one liners. Furthermore, I resolve not to read your funnies before bedtime. I need to get some sleep. Best save them for morning to get the day off to a laughing start.
If only Ike could learn from you about developping a sense of humor! Hope springs eternal.
Replies (20)